Every Friday we have a session called “Storytelling” taught by a guy named Evan, a super funny and smart dude. Last week he told us to come on here post a vulnerable blog. I had every intention of doing that, it was gonna be something really deep from my past that I’ve healed and learned from, but now it seems it’s not going to be like that. So please bear with me, I have no idea where this is going.
Two days ago I was talking to my parents and my dad told me that one of my uncles on my moms side had passed away from cancer. Death is something I’ve really had to deal with in my family, and while I’m not really close with my moms family, it hit hard. Though maybe not for the reasons most people would think of.
For most of my childhood, I didn’t treat my mom the best, and it’s a guilt that I carry with me everyday. I don’t feel like I’ve been a good daughter to either of my parents and communication is not something my family is good at. So I obviously haven’t even told my parents about this guilt, but for whatever reason I feel convicted to post this. So anyways, if you don’t know this about me, I put a big emphasis on the importance of family. My family means the world to me, and the fact that I can’t be there for my mom when she’s dealing with the death of her brother devastates me. And because my family doesn’t really communicate how we are mentally, my mom doesn’t say much. Again, I carry guilt of being a horrible daughter with me and I don’t necessarily know how to move forward with this. Sure, I can talk to my parents, ask for their forgiveness and try to shed this guilt. But it’s easier said than done.
Another thing I’ve come to regret is the lack of communication I have with my moms side of the family. I genuinely can’t remember the last time I’ve talked to quite a few of my uncles, aunts, or cousins. Maybe I’m taking too much on myself, but I know I haven’t made an effort to be a part of their lives. I know that their value of family and keeping in contact isn’t like mine and I accept that. I could reach out and if they don’t reciprocate then I know it’s no longer on me. But what would I even say to any of them?
This is what is on my heart and mind right now, and posting this is making me so nervous. Normally I just shove down what I’m feeling or thinking, but if I do that I can’t put all my focus on God. Thank you all for your support so far and I just ask that you pray over my family. Please also pray that God would give me courage to do what needs to be done so I can put my all into God’s plan for me. Also, feel free to ask any questions or anything of the sort. Love you all!
(I apologize for any grammar mistakes, I didn’t proofread this because I know I wouldn’t post it if I did)
You are very brave to put it all out there for all to see. The Lord is so good that we can come at anytime and confess and he is faithful to forgive. Your parents love you so much, and I know your mom has prayed for you over the years. You are right for God to use you, you must be clean. Thanks for sharing your heart.
Gracie, I love you so much and I recognize that you are right in the middle of God’s will or you wouldn’t be where you are now. This is your heart’s desire and God knows your heart because you are “fearfully and wonderfully made” by Him! You are defiantly under attack and it would be comforting for you to memorize Ephesians 6:12, “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places”! “Get thee behind me, Satan”! YOU ARE LOVED and “He is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us”!
Gracie, this is one of the bravest things I have ever read. I am praying for your mom, and for you, as you deal with this loss and the many emotions and issues it brings up. And just like the “thing” you brought up at the beginning, someday this will be one of those deep things that you have healed and learned from. Praying all God’s best for you as you move forward in your walk with Him.