Every Friday we have a session called “Storytelling” taught by a guy named Evan, a super funny and smart dude. Last week he told us to come on here post a vulnerable blog. I had every intention of doing that, it was gonna be something really deep from my past that I’ve healed and learned from, but now it seems it’s not going to be like that. So please bear with me, I have no idea where this is going. 

   Two days ago I was talking to my parents and my dad told me that one of my uncles on my moms side had passed away from cancer. Death is something I’ve really had to deal with in my family, and while I’m not really close with my moms family, it hit hard. Though maybe not for the reasons most people would think of. 

   For most of my childhood, I didn’t treat my mom the best, and it’s a guilt that I carry with me everyday. I don’t feel like I’ve been a good daughter to either of my parents and communication is not something my family is good at. So I obviously haven’t even told my parents about this guilt, but for whatever reason I feel convicted to post this. So anyways, if you don’t know this about me, I put a big emphasis on the importance of family. My family means the world to me, and the fact that I can’t be there for my mom when she’s dealing with the death of her brother devastates me. And because my family doesn’t really communicate how we are mentally, my mom doesn’t say much. Again, I carry guilt of being a horrible daughter with me and I don’t necessarily know how to move forward with this. Sure, I can talk to my parents, ask for their forgiveness and try to shed this guilt. But it’s easier said than done. 

   Another thing I’ve come to regret is the lack of communication I have with my moms side of the family. I genuinely can’t remember the last time I’ve talked to quite a few of my uncles, aunts, or cousins. Maybe I’m taking too much on myself, but I know I haven’t made an effort to be a part of their lives. I know that their value of family and keeping in contact isn’t like mine and I accept that. I could reach out and if they don’t reciprocate then I know it’s no longer on me. But what would I even say to any of them? 

   This is what is on my heart and mind right now, and posting this is making me so nervous. Normally I just shove down what I’m feeling or thinking, but if I do that I can’t put all my focus on God. Thank you all for your support so far and I just ask that you pray over my family. Please also pray that God would give me courage to do what needs to be done so I can put my all into God’s plan for me. Also, feel free to ask any questions or anything of the sort. Love you all! 

(I apologize for any grammar mistakes, I didn’t proofread this because I know I wouldn’t post it if I did)