In the Highs and the Lows

As some of you may know, I’ve been home for the past few weeks. And as much as I’ve enjoyed seeing my friends and family, it hasn’t been easy coming back to the things I willingly gave up 3 months ago. 

I came back to a place that had completely changed and stayed the exact same. Different in the sense that the seasons had changed, my room was no longer available to me, and my own perspective had changed. Same in the sense that the people and places were unchanged. 

The first day I came home, I had driven 6 hours straight, I was exhausted and I just wanted to be by myself. But I couldn’t because I had to unpack and had to live in the same RV as my sister. There was tension between my parents and my sister that I walked into and all I wanted to do was go back to AIM campus. I remember sitting outside in the front yard unpacking while crying. I was completely overwhelmed. 

I spent the first few days meeting up with friends and occupying myself with anything that would make the time pass. Very quickly I ran out of things to do and was left with restless energy that I had no way of releasing. And I absolutely knew that I should be spending this time with God. 

But I ignored the tiny voice in my head telling me to go to God and started numbing myself by bingeing YouTube videos and oversleeping to the max. Doing these things only fueled the depression I already struggle with.

But a few days ago I realized something. Absolutely none of this is about me. So why am I acting so pathetic? 

Yes I realize my feelings are valid and there’s generally not much I can do about my depression. But the way I’ve been sitting in my self-pity is unacceptable. God has put me in a unique position to recharge at home before launching into the field for 6 months and so far, I’ve wasted it. 

Luckily, I still have 22 days until I leave home for Gainesville, GA and then on to Ecuador, and if I’ve learned anything from my time with AIM – it’s that I can fail falling forward. And that’s what I intend to do. God is always present, through the highs and the lows. We just have to look. 

Thank you to everyone who has been supporting me the past few months. Thank you for reading these blogs and going on the journey alongside with me. I appreciate you all more than you know.